I stumbled into the family business of Chemistry and Engineering when I was running up against paying out-of-state tuition and had to pick a major after staying in undergraduate school a little too long. I did not fit the mold of an engineer, but it would work since I was good at math and knew it would make good money.  At the very least it validated me to my parents and others.

I served in the military and wanted to use the MGIBill. I spent all my energy surviving rather than understanding what my values were, so I completed an M.S. in Materials Science and Engineering and went to work for a defense engineering firm. Feeling like a robot, hoping to get love from my parents one day, my father worked at the same firm. Moving up the ladder, I found myself opposed to the culture – zero-sum, narcissistic, winning, abusive and very male.  Often, I was the only woman in the room. I would leave work crying many days after being yelled at, ostracized or manipulated.

My work builds exciting things, but I was more interested in the people and leadership side.  How could I support the team to be the best they could be? This often worked for me as my team excelled.  There was a downside, those that were power hungry would try to undermine me and pull my team over to their control. 

As a survivor of parental narcissistic and alcoholic abuse, the environment continued to weigh on my mental health. I read the book Your Money or Your Life (Vicki Robin & Joe Dominguez 2022) and, unbeknownst to me, I began thinking about my values.  I also started going to therapy to unwind my perfectionist and achieving part of myself that was working me to the ground.  I realized that I cared more about my children and husband, being a kind leader, integrity and autonomy than continuing to give my heart and soul into a corporation that would throw me away in an instant.  This happened when I did not get in line for a boss whose treatment of me was too close for comfort to my dysfunctional home growing up and he found me too difficult to put up with when I stood up for myself, even though I was doing his job.  I was burned out, dissociated, down and lost; I worked on healing myself, not knowing who I would be when I lifted myself out.

Using the framework from Your Money or Your Life, we saved, paid off all debts (including the house), moved cross-country to a less expensive location that had a great family atmosphere, continued to live on a little acreage near a small city but not in a small city and focused on being a family of kindness. Luckily, the military paid for much of my schooling, so education debts had been long paid for. I can embrace the FIRE (financially independent, retire early) lifestyle and try on some new careers. I am reparenting myself, thus allowing the discovery I never had as an adult child of alcoholics. In the past year or so I have completed a coaching program, lost over 50 pounds, gave up drinking/shopping/eating and other addictions, in the middle of a massage license program, got Reiki certified, applied for a counseling graduate program, quit my corporate engineering job, applied to become a substitute teacher at my children’s school, working a temporary job supporting the 2024 elections, and signed up to be a crisis hotline volunteer. I would like to become a certified yoga instructor in the future. It has not always been easy, feeling the feelings I had avoided for a lifetime. I learned mindfulness throughout the process, determined not to return to the busyness, shopping, drinking, eating and exercise I had used in the past to numb the parts of me screaming that I was not on my path.

I am really blessed to be able to take this time, as it is a luxury. My husband is very understanding and supports me in all my ideas. There is a profound sense of healing when I don’t have to be hypervigilant all the time at work.  Those protective parts of me are learning new roles and my helping and caring nature can more safely show up. My children get to see a resilient mom who pivots to hold onto self-respect. There is more to someone than their career, and with a lifetime that is sure to see many changes in this new world, my children may have to think of their career in 15-year chunks of time instead of a lifetime as well.