I quit drinking in 2021. I will have a drink here and there, but I used to be a binge drinker. I grew up with alcohol being the only coping skill taught. I took my first drink much later than most, already in college. I was turned off to alcohol since I had been raised by two alcoholics doing their best to command their own demons. Over the years, drinking started creeping more and more into my life to deal with the day-to-day and social stress I piled on. As with most stories that involve a big change, there was a rock bottom, and while drinking did not cause it, the rock bottom shown a light on how the drinking was not helping anything.

I was spiraling out of control as many of my poor coping skills were being overwhelmed by a nearing mid-life crisis. Drinking took the edge off. I no longer had to look at my life closely, feel my feelings, understand who I was or what I wanted. I could survive and do what everyone else wanted me to do, like a people pleasing robot going through life. Until I could no longer grey rock it anymore. The past and the feelings you ignore have a way of coming out like boulders tumbling down a ravine. 

Then drinking became the problem and smacked my kids in the face. I got blackout drunk at a party, passed out on a chair, then threw up in the car ride home with the vomit flying onto my children who were in the back seat. Talk about low Mama moment. Then in the next week or two I contracted Covid-19 and then a bacterial pneumonia and was bedridden for a month. I could barely eat during that time and did not think about alcohol at all during that time. 

My body and mind had failed me, but really, I had failed myself. Years of compulsively prioritizing my career over my mind, body, soul and family had caught up. Since I was then sober and had my children watching how I was acting, I gave up drinking so they could see that I realized that I had not been fully present, and drinking was not a beneficial way to cope and bring joy to life.

Now, I average less than twelve drinks a year. I had to ask myself, what was I avoiding by drinking? There was more than I imagined, and I had to learn to do somethings sober. I was extremely nervous in social settings for about a year. Coming home from a stressful day at work meant I had to consciously not take a drink that I was craving. Travel and parties look different now. All those activities now are fun without alcohol. Some activities were no longer fun without alcohol, and now I avoid those activities. I don’t hate myself anymore, which is probably the biggest negative belief that alcohol was drowning out. 

Alcohol had become part of my identity, so I shied away from the friendships that knew me as that person. I received gifts of alcohol and did not know what to do with them. Relationships were a little lost for some time. I’m sure relationships had left me in the past due to my binge drinking at parties. My hobbies changed to hiking and cooking. Exercise became non-negotiable. My drive to work myself to burnout was no longer there. I realized, no one was going to take care of me other than me and to start loving myself, giving up drinking was the first and best step.